as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
