were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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