Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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