I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
