Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
