Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
