lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
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