He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
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