meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
