I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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