I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
