Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
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