I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
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