I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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