Can i not drive my cunt home
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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