who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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