I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
