Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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