I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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