I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
