I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Randomize
