Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
