I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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