I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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