i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
