Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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