i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Randomize
