So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
