I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
