remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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