So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
