Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
