Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
