You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Randomize
