I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Randomize
