Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
