u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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