I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
is that a dick in a sweater?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
