My liver just broke up with me...
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
