You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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