I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Is it penis luge time yet?
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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