I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Randomize
