can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Can't talk, ducks in the car
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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