i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
