i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
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