I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
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