I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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