Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
