Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
