This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
