I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
