Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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