this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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