Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Randomize
