I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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